Listen here boy. I was once involved in a Hollywood slapping scheme so mad, I vowed to never involve myself with Hollywood once more. ‘Twas the 94th Academy Awards, a show which I began frequenting in 1929 when I was up for Best Actor alongside my old chap Charlie Chaplin. Now boy, this show began like any other, and I did not expect the tomfoolery which unfolded.

I sat alongside a Hollywood it-couple throughout the duration of the show. And before you ask, it was not Goldie and Kurt. Instead, it was Will and Jada Smith. Now, the two of them have begun looking more and more alike, and the only deciphering feature I had to base one off the other was the gaudy green gown Jada wore. Ha! Reminded me of something my late aunt Gertrude would wear when trying to seduce the market owner. But onwards. After this observation, I took it upon myself to make an appearance backstage during a commercial interference. And there I was, chumming it up with comedian and host of the night, Chris Rock. Now, I’ve never been the biggest fan of his comedy. Not nearly sexual enough in its content, but I digress. I was with Chris discussing his commentary prior to the presentation of the award for best documentary feature. I mentioned the similar resemblance of the Smiths, and Chris chuckled. Little did I know what was about to transpire. I made my way to my seat next to the Smiths when Chris entered the stage and turned to camera un to begin his spiel. I say, my view on Hollywood would be changed forever…

After a wisecrack was delivered in Jada’s direction comparing her bald head to that of JI Jane’s, the audience erupted in laughter. It’s important to note, boy, that Jada suffers from a disease called alopecia areata which causes hair loss. And as much as that sounds like the name of the prostitute I would fool around with before I met my dear wife Nadja, it is indeed a real disease. Once the laughter subsided, a furious Will stormed in the direction of an unsuspecting Rock and delivered a blow so maniacal to Chris’s left cheek, I was left asking myself why the dark lord would allow this. But it didn’t end there. A proud Will made his way back to his seat and hurled a devious comment towards Chris which read: “Keep my wife’s name out you’re fucking mouth!” Ha! The scallywag yelled that aloud on live TV! Why, it was thrilling! The commentary continued amongst Chris and Will while a frightened Lupita Nyong’o took cover behind Will.

I have never viewed Hollywood the same since that night, boy. A spectacle which once brought me much joy is now tarnished by an outburst of emotional flamboyance. But hey, I still got it on with Angie and Meryl after the show so ‘twas a successful night overall!